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The listings for the Kennedy Center in Washington features a fun bilingual performance and an ad-libbed theatrical troupe. Curiously missing from the advertised schedule is Friday's global football draw, presumably because it is a exclusively private affair. Planners seem intent on avoid any unwanted guests from darkening the doorstep at what threatens to be an excessively long, self-aggrandizing spectacle where highly compensated celebrities will undoubtedly parrot the old cliche that "soccer unites the world."

A Star-Studded Crew

This glitzy ceremony is scheduled to be hosted by former model and TV host Heidi Klum and small-statured American comedian and actor Kevin Hart. Adding to the star power will be American football legend Eli Manning on welcoming details and actor Danny Ramirez as a roving correspondent. Collectively, they will oversee a ceremony that will certainly have British football fans of a certain age missing the halcyon, pomp-free days of Graham Taylor, Sir Bert Millichip, the old draw system and a trusty velvet bag of simple, lottery balls.

Scheduled to last almost three grueling hours, the event will include a staggering agenda of lengthy speeches, saccharine video montages, pre-vetted jokes, celebrity guests, performances from acts with either no embarrassment or financial motivations, and then... at last, the actual World Cup draw.

Sporting Legends on Draw Detail

Among those helping to conducting the draw? NBA legend Shaquille O'Neal, hockey great Wayne Gretzky, NFL star Tom Brady and baseball slugger Aaron Judge, all plucking numbered spheres under the watchful eye of ex-footballer Rio Ferdinand. Given the considerable, deep well of personality possessed by these ageing sporting legends, barring an uniformed snatch-squad storming the event, it's hard to envision what could potentially go wrong.

In reality, not much, if the insensitive defence of FIFA's well-documented World Cup exorbitant ticket pricing mounted by an obsequious English yes-man is any kind of indicator. When asked if tickets should be more affordable for average fans, the reply was vague. "I think we have to be aware of that and I think FIFA are certainly people that are conscious of that," was the comment. "However, I think we can look at every industry, every area, we could have that discussion about things," he added. The suggestion seemed to be that high prices are justified when compared with other luxury items.

The Actual Draw

With 42 countries already qualified for next year's jamboree and another six set to qualify, there will be a genuine air of giddiness once the opening acts conclude and the actual draw begins. While fans worldwide wait with great anticipation to see which three nations their particular country will play in the initial phase, the anticipation pales in comparison to that which precedes the reveal of the recipient of FIFA's first-ever peace prize for "people who help unite people in peace through unwavering commitment and special actions." Given that the draw is in the US capital and the World Cup is mostly in the US, speculation about the winner are widespread, though the clues are there.

"There's no concern at the moment. I was speaking to the chairman today. My relationship with him is very strong really. I have a truly transparent and frank relationship. So regarding my job in that sense I have completely no worries whatsoever" – comments from a manager whose side on a five-game losing streak, providing a textbook remark likely to be revisited if/when a dismissal occur down the line.

Audience Feedback

• "Further to the discussion of a potential club named Kevin... there is an talented Brazilian winger named Kevin at Fulham who cost north of £30m. Perhaps Kevin could be persuaded to purchase a lower league club and rename it after himself."
• "Going to football games in the past, when the opponent was 'Keith', the reply was: 'What, on his own?'"
• "My reading ceased after nine words. 'Comprised of'! Of what were you thinking? To comprise means to consist of. So to comprise of means to consist of of. The extra 'of' is as unnecessary as an additional referee."
• "There is apprehension ahead of FIFA's Global Tombola: just what memorable tune will a famous group come up with if a political figure remains on the stage, thereby necessitating an additional song?"